It was just the right way to start the day, her usual way sat out on the balcony of her apartment on the sixth floor. Her hands had gone through these motions about a thousand times if not more…the arrangement of the side of the paper with least content gets twisted and tucked first, no filter because that’s how he’d always shown her, said it was because he was an O.G so no filter. The weather was to her liking, it was chilly with no wind, she had expected that much at 4a.m and she had her night robe on so she wouldn’t get cold cause she didn’t see herself going to sleep anytime soon….she had completed her task as she laid the newly rolled blunt alongside the other three and half a bottle of wine she had laid out on the stool beside her….she took one more soulful gaze at what the city offered her from her balcony. Halsey’s Angel plays in the background.
4:15a.m and the city was buzzing with life already, the early risers and the ones who had to get up on time just to beat the traffic, travelers, others getting off of late night shifts….she felt like she was at the heart of it all, knowing she use to be one of them not too long ago, now a full time owner of her own lucrative event planning business, one of the biggest in the city…..moments like this she remembers her climb, the sacrifices, hurt, disappointments, heart breaks and how they all paved the way for her to get here. She’s numb to it now, almost as if she needs someone to tell how to feel cause she thinks her happiness is real, closed herself off from the world but she knows there’s so much more it has to reveal yet she chooses to remain concealed, she wonders if her happiness is real although on the outside she can’t be bothered cause her money is…she pays her own bills, she’s her own boss, owns her own shit, miss independent, with all of this there’s no room for anyone else, she made enough to slow down a while ago but it consumes her, it’s everything she knows….she’s somebody now, with no one else to share in her lime light, her joy, her sadness…she’s somebody in nobody town….all this time, she’s been missing something, yearning for it but not knowing what it is or what it’s supposed to entail, like a craving for something you can’t quite put your finger on, something that makes it all worth it….she has an idea of it she refuses to let her mind entertain the thought, to fall is unacceptable…cause everything she’s been through made her stronger and everyday she learns about herself, nothing played out like it was supposed to, depending on somebody else’s wealth, now she knows the value of a naira she makes more than enough of it to spend, she loves the way she put herself together and so she raises a glass of wine in the manner of a toast, to the loneliness and sadness lingering in the abyss saying to it;
“I decide when we’re through”.
4:20a.m she sparks up the first blunt and takes a long drag coupled with a gulp of her wine, she swallows the wine in her mouth first, as the wine washes down her throat, the smoke escapes through her nostrils slowly, deliberately so as to savor every hit of that first drag…she’s a seasoned stoner this one.
Her mind zones out to her university days burning the midnight oil to get good grades to make her single parent proud ensuring she had a future, struggling to keep up, graduate having to take an odd job or two just to have money to feed, naïve and fragile with the looks of a budding goddess….boys would promise her the world just for a taste of her albeit she wasn’t interested in all that, what she needed was support, a pillar she could lean on and believe it wasn’t all bad in the world, even when she found someone ‘Mr no filter O.G’ and offered him her most prized possession; her virtue, he still left her and then she had to deal with slew of oath breakers, silver tongued foxes, users and abusers she blamed herself even when life did her wrong, she still blamed herself……but now she’s got it made she thought, as each drag and exhale enabled her to exorcise those memories of the dark days in her life . Now she does whatever she wants, whenever she wants, however and with whoever, all she had to was kill off all ties with the world littered with a great many evil guised in the forms of other human beings, the drama, the complications, the bullshit and false promises….she’d suffered enough, she took the world by the balls and milked it for all she could and danced elegantly to the tunes her life was playing, getting rich to the drums of her favorite song cause her freedom was in this cage all along where she felt safe and protected all on her own terms. She’s endured so much she thought as she lit up the second blunt, the effects from the first blunt were kicking now, from experience she knew her eyes were lower that they must have been an hour ago, but the clarity and scope of her vision was as if she had just truly awaked, that extra hint of color and texture the herb carries, like starting a 3D movie without the glasses and then a few minutes in you put the 3D glasses on and voila: mindfuck! The air feels like it tingles as it brushes off of her skin, her hair ticklish at the back of her neck, making the inside of her head light up combined with the wine for that little bit of vertigo effect.
She rises from her chair in all her 6ft godly glory, thick thighs that didn’t rub against each other and skin clear as day, brown as hazel, soft as molten butter completely naked underneath her night robe…she strolls just by the life size mirror in her living room but she comes back when she catches a glimpse of her reflection, staring into the her reflection she notices her blood shot eyes, how heavy her lids seemed to be…she giggles and just then she notices her reflection talking to her
“how’d you drain all the sorrow from your eyes? How’d you teach yourself to smile in a world where your dreams can’t be real? Every touch that you sell, is it all a lie?” her reflection asked.
Her phone chimes as she’s seemingly lost in conversation with herself, a text message, the number’s not saved but she recognizes it as she reads the message which read;
‘Hey beautiful, I hope you slept ok….i woke up thinking I wanna give you everything this world has to offer, but what do I give a girl who already has everything she wants? Hence I offer you myself mind, body, spirit and love. Do with me what you please. Have a great day”
As soon as she’s done reading the message, she tosses the phone away proceeding to lock eyes with her reflection again.
“Why do you keep blowing him off? You always do that” the reflection says
She slowly slides the sleeves of her night robe off of her hands and lets it drop to the floor, admiring her beautiful frame and body from head to toe, her eyes seem to light up with excitement as she replies her reflection in the mirror, while she runs her hands up her thighs slowly….her naked body turns her on
“Cause it’s just love, it always makes its way back around, it’s dispensable, to fall is unacceptable” she replies as she begins to touch herself…….Halsey’s bad at love echoes in the background.